Red Flags: When to Dump Him!

You are involved in a relationship, the sex is electric, you have a lot in common but you just can’t seem to get rid of those nagging doubts in the back of your mind. Could this guy really be The One? Is that voice in the back of your head just your fears talking or is that the nudging of your subconscious mind trying to keep you from making a terrible mistake?

Here is a checklist to know for sure. As you go through this checklist, try to be objective and ask yourself if these descriptions describe your relationship with your man.

• The two of you fight. A lot. Oh, but the ‘make up sex’ is worth it, right? Wrong! This falls under the category of Crazy Love. It’s highly intense. It’s highly passionate. And it’s highly volatile! This type of relationship can be very addictive but will be absolutely exhausting in the long term.
• He is absolutely perfect…except for this one thing. You can never, ever change another person, so why try? The only person you can change is yourself. You are not looking for another “Project” – you are looking for your Life Partner. If this “One Thing” is something that is really important to you and not just a minor annoyance, then you need to have the courage to walk away so you can create the space for the perfect guy (for you) to find you.
• Your love has an unhealthy addiction: alcoholism, drugs, gambling, sex. This really falls in the same category as not being able to “fix” someone. People who have unhealthy addictions have problems that only they can fix. They have to want to change for themselves first. No amount of love from you is going to make him better. They first have to love themselves.
• He still has Mommy issues – or Daddy issues. The point is he hasn’t cleaned up his family crap. He is still trying to please Mommy or has something to prove to Daddy while at the same time hating them for it. I’m not saying everyone has to be best friends with their parents or you can never find true love, but they do need to be emotionally mature enough that they have ‘moved out of the house’, both physically and psychologically.
• He tries to control you. This can be overtly, “You are not going anywhere dressed like THAT!” or covertly, “If you really loved me you wouldn’t (fill in the blank).” In a healthy relationship, people respect each other’s differences. Actually, they appreciate each other’s differences. After all, you wouldn’t want to be with someone just like you – where is the fun in that?
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t believe what you do or say is important. Sometimes this isn’t always obvious. But generally if your man doesn’t value your feelings or doesn’t think you are “good enough” on some level, you need to move on to the guy who thinks you are terrific!
• Likewise, if your man puts you on pedestal, that means he doesn’t think enough of himself to be treated as an equal. It might feel great in the short term to have somebody worship you, but what happens when he finds out that a Goddess can bleed? Healthy relationships happen when both people are coming from a whole space and both have something to contribute.
• You don’t feel you can trust him completely. In my mind at least there are certain qualities that absolutely MUST exist in every relationship: integrity, respect, and trust. These qualities are at the core of every relationship that stands the test of time.
• Tit for tat. Both of you give only with the expectation of getting something immediately in return – and you are keeping score. In a healthy relationship, both people are giving and contributing to the relationship, but on any given day it’s almost never in equal measures. People have their down days. Both of you must be willing to give 100% of yourself to the relationship with zero expectation of return.
• Do I need to say it? He is abusive. If you ever think your man might intentionally harm you, you need to leave immediately and don’t look back. It doesn’t matter if “he only gets like that when he’s been drinking” – drinking, or any other addiction that impairs your senses, is just an excuse to treat you badly. Don’t buy it. There is NEVER an excuse. He needs to seek help; this is not something you can help him with. Get out.

These aren’t necessarily red flags, but other signs this guy is not right for you:

• You feel like you are “settling”. You know this guy isn’t quite The One, but you are afraid there is no one else out there for you. This is coming from scarcity thinking. There is always someone to love out there for you who will love you back. You need to love yourself enough to know that you deserve to be with a man who truly fulfills you. He does exist.
• This guy does not empower you. You feel weaker, less than, whenever you are around him. Life Partners bring out the best in each other, their relationship has a true synergistic effect where who they are as a couple is greater than who they are individually.
• You don’t feel like this man is your best friend. Life partners are always best friends. Great, passionate sex can only take you so far. What do you talk about outside of the bedroom?
• There is no passion. Sexual attraction and intimacy are extremely important in a love relationship, especially in the beginning. If it’s not there than you are just roommates.
• You don’t feel like your love is fully reciprocated. If you feel like the love you are giving out is not returned in full; that you love him much more than he loves you, it is definitely time to value yourself enough and get out of there. You deserve to have the kind of sweet love where you feel cherished. Give yourself that gift and go find The One who will match all of that sweet, delicious love you have to give 100%.
• You can’t seem to get rid of those nagging doubts. If you are continuously experiencing nagging doubts, then perhaps your intuition is trying to tell you something…maybe you should listen!

You CAN create delicious, sweet love in your life. I believe in you!

Kelly Ellzey

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Tagged as: Dating tips, Keep him or let go