Punting the Monkey Off Your Back, Forgive Yourself: Part 5 of Heal Your Broken Heart

If you don’t know how to love yourself, you don’t know how to love anybody!

In Part 1 of this series I talked about how allowing yourself to get angry can actually be a healthy, positive tool and a first step in healing a broken heart.

In Part 2 of this series I talked about letting go of anger that is no longer serving you by practicing forgiveness and what it really means to forgive someone.

In Part 3 of this series I gave you a powerful forgiveness process to release your attachment and unhealthy addiction to past loves.

In Part 4 of this series I go through a deep forgiveness process – for those people in your life you are having an especially tough time releasing.

This is the last article in this series on forgiveness and, if I may be blunt, the biggest Bitch to write! This is the one where I have had the most resistance – why? Because I feel like a dang hypocrite that’s why! Forgiving myself is something I still struggle with to this day. I think many of you can relate to this, “If I would have done it differently, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now” or worse, “If I would have done it differently my child’s life (or someone else I deeply care about) would be better today.

I gave up a child for adoption when I was 27. Extreme circumstances led me to make such a decision – and if you gave me the same set of circumstances and emotions I was dealing with back then, I would make the same decision today. But all of that rationalizing on why I made my decision and logically thinking through how much better off she probably was growing up in a home where she had every advantage and even more importantly, TWO parents (instead of one) who loved and adored her, still doesn’t take away the enormous amount of guilt I have carried around like an invisible monkey on my back for years.

So why do we do this to ourselves? You know, some of things I say to myself I would never to say to anyone – even someone I didn’t care for much. So why is it I’m so willing to beat myself up or relentlessly scrutinize every detail of a past conversation? The first answer that comes to my head is because if I said some of the things to my friends or family that I have said to myself, there is a good chance they wouldn’t want to hang around me anymore! I think another reason we are so hard on ourselves is because we deeply care about being the best version of ourselves and are always looking to make the best impression we can to those around us.

I think deeply forgiving ourselves has got to be one of the hardest things to do, but also the one thing that will cause us to have the biggest breakthroughs in life. And not forgiving ourselves is the single worst thing we do to ourselves. Guilt has got to be the single most destructive emotion in existence. How many hours have you wasted beating yourself up? How much of your health have you damaged because you weren’t willing to give yourself the same grace as your ex or a dysfunctional parent?

Punting the monkey off your back

Advantages of not forgiving ourselves

First, let’s explore what advantages there might be to continually take the whip to yourself:

• What good are you accomplishing by continuing to punish yourself?
• What are the advantages of you hanging on to your resentment?
• What are you gaining by not forgiving yourself? What is the payoff?

You might not think there are any advantages to punishing yourself, but let’s think through this:

• You think you are showing how much you really care by punishing yourself. I think in my case I get a “ding, ding, ding!!” on this one.
• You get to hold onto bad habits like overeating or overspending and pretend you are a victim.
• You don’t have to take any action or get out of your comfort zone. You get to stay safe and stuck.

You are on a spiritual path

Whether you recognize it or not, you are on a spiritual path. Through some of my biggest “whopper” mistakes have come my greatest personal growth. I would be willing to bet you could say the same thing about your life. We all make mistakes. We all have said or done things in our past we wish would have done differently. But since I’m betting none of you owns a time machine, the question really comes down to, “How much do you have to suffer before you are willing to forgive yourself?”

You only have the present moment. Right now, that’s it. Every new day brings with it the Divine Gift of a fresh opportunity to begin anew. If you could go back and fix it, you would. But since you can’t, give yourself the same grace you would give an ex or a dysfunctional parent and realize you were doing the very best you could with the awareness and consciousness you had at the time. If you possessed the awareness you have now, you most likely would have done it differently.

How to forgive yourself

Journaling

For me, I have found journaling to be very therapeutic. First, I like to write it all out – what I did that needs forgiveness, how I felt at the time, why I did what I did, etc.

Then I will “talk to myself” on paper as I imagine a very caring friend would. I’ll write things like, “It’s alright, things turned out for the best”. Or, “What you really need to do is apologize, that will put things on the path to feeling right again”.

I realize that talking to myself and saying these things would probably be effective too, but there is something truly cathartic about handwriting and dialoging your feelings on paper.

Affirmations

Affirmations, or mantras, is another great tool to use when practicing forgiveness for yourself. When said in front of your reflection in the mirror and looking deeply into your eyes, they are especially potent. My favorite affirmation is pretty simple, but it works for me, “I forgive myself for _(name the thing you have done you want to be forgiven for). I am free.”  It’s important to be very specific about what you have done that you to need to forgive about yourself. This is not the time for generalities, being too general is not as effective.

Be grateful for the present

Recognize that where you are now is pretty fantastic. For one thing you are alive! And you most likely have a whole host of other things you can be grateful for too. All of those “mistakes” you have made in your past have led you to where you are now and the person you are today.

I used to spend a lot of time beating myself up for rushing into my first marriage. I walked into an abusive marriage where every day was literally Hell for me. I fled 2 years later with our 20 month old daughter on my hip. The result of that decision was my daughter had to grow up without a father who really cared for her until I married my second husband and he embraced her as his own. Another result of that decision was that my self esteem was at the lowest point of my life, which led to me getting pregnant with the daughter I gave up. Ultimately the decision to rush into a marriage that wasn’t right for me led to some of the greatest struggles of my life and having to make the hardest decision I’m sure I will ever have to face.

The payoff was that I learned how incredibly strong I am, I developed an iron-clad determination that the next time I got married, it would be to the RIGHT partner, and quite honestly, I don’t think I would have the immense appreciation and gratitude that I do for my second husband had I not gone through the experience of a Hellish first marriage.

Continually ask yourself “What was the result of the mistake I made?” and then, “What was the result of that?”  I think you will come to the same conclusion that I did that while your mistakes – though terrible and disasterous at the time, might just have led to your greatest growth and ultimate happiness.

Say you are sorry

Sometimes you will go through the forgiveness process and realize you really do need to apologize to make it right. Be willing to do that. Put your pride down and let your humanity show. People respect and appreciate the man or woman who is willing to be humble and own up to what they did to hurt or wrong somebody. It is far better to be “in relationship” than to be “right”.

So how do you say “I’m sorry”?

1. Own up to what you did and sincerely apologize for it. Honestly state what you did to hurt or offend the other person. Do not bring up what the other person said or did; you are not seeking an apology. This is your apology – let the other person deal with their own forgiveness issues if and when they are ready. (And let it be OK if they never apologize.)
2. Really listen to the other person’s hurt and pain. This would be the time to keep your mouth shut! Do not interject. Do not make excuses. Do not justify your actions.
3. Never use the word, “but” when you are apologizing, as in, “I’m sorry I hurt you, but”. As soon as you use the word, “but” you have negated everything you said before it. Basically, it’s like spitting in the face of the person you are apologizing to, so don’t do it!
4. What can you do to make it right? If there is something you can do to make it up to the other person, make a commitment to do so and follow through on your commitment!
5. Vow to learn the lessons and move on. Assure the other person you will make a sincere effort to not repeat your mistake.

 Is the monkey really gone?

You’ve gone through all of the steps, but how will you know for sure you have forgiven yourself? When the memory of what you did no longer gives you pain or anger. As long as you can still feel pain or anger, you’ve got work to do. Either continue to repeat the forgiveness process or seek the help of a qualified therapist.

It’s time for you to finally get love RIGHT!

Kelly Ellzey

If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy, Practicing Forgiveness  

I would love to hear from you! I value your and appreciate your input, please post your comment below.

 

 

Tagged as: clear the way for love, clearing blocked energy, forgiveness exercise, forgiveness process