This is the eighth in the series, “10 mindshifts you must make so that your next partner is your life partner”. In this series you will learn the 10 critical beliefs or mindsets you need in order to manifest your ideal partner and create the kind of authentic, sweet, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.
The Eighth Mindshift: Playing Games is Not Playing For Keeps
I hate that there is so much advice getting thrown around out there that essentially says a woman must manipulate a man in order to get him to commit to her. Tactics like withholding sex until you get him to commit to you, molding yourself into whoever you think your man wants instead of being authentically who you are, playing “the damsel in distress”, trying to get him jealous in the hopes he will magically start to appreciate you more – in the long run, these tactics don’t work. They can’t. A relationship cannot make it in the long run if it doesn’t have a firm foundation based on trust. If what you are looking for is a life partner, then how long do you think a relationship can last that has been built on coercion, deception, manipulation or just not being authentically who you are?
Women have been manipulating men for ages. At first we didn’t have any choice: men had all the power and we had none. Men were allowed go to school, to learn a trade, learn how to fight; women could be killed for daring such things. Men were allowed to hold high positions in the church and in government; women were treated as property and had no more rights than that of common livestock. We had to learn to out-think men if we were going to survive.
Unfortunately and tragically the ‘Old World’ rules still apply in some parts of the world; but for most women there is a new paradigm: We work, we go to school, we raise babies on our own, we earn our own living – we don’t NEED a man for our survival anymore. So isn’t it high time we cut the bullshit and create mutually supportive, fulfilling, authentic partnerships?
What do I mean by playing games? Anytime you are not being authentically who you are; anytime you are not being honest. If you are using manipulation or coercion to get what you want or gain control in a relationship.
Below is a list of game playing tactics:
Being overly nice and accommodating
If you agree with whatever he says – never voice your opinions and allow him to make all of the decisions, you start to lose your identity. Real men don’t want a woman that just goes along with everything they say – they want that fiery, passionate, independent woman they fell in love with.
If you are playing the game of “the damsel in distress” – what happens when you don’t need saving anymore?
Playing hard to get
If you are playing the game of withholding sex until you are married, what happens after you are married and there is no more ‘challenge’?
Using sex as a weapon
Withholding sex for any reason is a bad idea. Sex is the ultimate expression of love and connection to another human being. Once you start using it as a weapon you diminish its meaning.
“Buy me this honey. Buy me that” – Really? Is your love for sale?
The rabbit died
If your relationship is in trouble then bringing a child into it is not going to make it better. Being a good parent and raising a healthy kid is hard enough – one should at least be given the choice if that is how they want to spend the next 20 years.
Men fear a woman’s tears – they are wired to make the woman they love happy. Once you start using tears as a manipulation tool he’s going to have a hard time believing you when you really are upset.
Green eyed monster
Unfortunately using jealousy as a tactic can be very effective, but it also sets up a foundation of mistrust.
Giving an ultimatum
It’s never a good idea to give an ultimatum unless you are prepared for the negative consequences.
Do Men Really Fear Commitment?
I say no. Studies show that men live longer and are much happier and fulfilled than their single counterparts. I think men instinctively know this and if they are with a woman they truly love they have no problem making a commitment. I think what men fear is this:
Loss of Freedom
Not that he still needs to get out and ‘sow his wild oats’ – but now every time he wants to do something important to him, he has to ask permission from you first and hope you will say yes. He is afraid that once you are married he will have to do everything that is on your agenda – see your folks at Christmas, go to your friends’ parties, lose his weekends to the ‘Honey-Do’ list, etc.
Loss of Everything He Has Worked For
Many men have been burned before by a woman and if they are divorced, they know too well that getting a marriage certificate gives the woman the legal right to take half of his assets – regardless of how long they were married. So if he has a lot to lose, certainly he is going to be more cautious.
Loss of the Woman He Fell in Love With
Many women look at marriage as the finish line rather than the start of an incredible adventure together. Many women hide their true personalities and agendas until after they are married. He is afraid you will unleash all of your emotional baggage and become a psycho after you say “I do”. Or that you will become an incessant nag. Or that you will use sex to manipulate him and get your way.
Playing for Keeps
Using any form of manipulation to get a commitment from a man will ultimately backfire on you. Or worse – it will actually work and then you have to keep up the charade to keep him from leaving you.
But if you are ‘playing for keeps’: if you are building a foundation of mutual trust, admiration and respect, then you are creating a true partnership and these fears don’t come up – he knows you and your love are for real.
If what you want is to land a partner for life then what you should be seeking first and foremost is authentic partnership – not control.
What does authentic partnership mean?
- It means that who you are being in the relationship is authentically who you really are. You are up front and honest about your feelings and expectations and therefore you are building a solid foundation of trust.
- An authentic partnership means both of you love and respect your differences as well as your common traits. Neither one is looking to change the other.
- Neither partner is looking to dominate or control the other. Both allow the other to be fully who they are. They respect their own and their partners’ identity, beliefs, opinions and capabilities.
- Both partners encourage each other in their personal growth; they support each other and their goals.
- Both partners take responsibility for the health of the relationship. Both value the relationship – they are quick to say, “I’m sorry” and quick to forgive. They do not allow resentment to build.
- Each partner takes the time to really listen and understand the other. Both make time for each other on a consistent basis.
- Each enjoys spending time separately as well as together.
You can get a man to the altar by playing games, but it is not likely you will be able to keep him or feel happy and fulfilled in the relationship. An authentic partnership is the type p0f relationship to strive for because that is the type of relationship that will last.
It’s time for you to finally get love RIGHT!
If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy the previous post in this series: “A Relationship is Not Going to Fix You“.
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