This is the fourth in the series, “10 mindshifts you must make so that your next partner is your life partner”. In this series you will learn the 10 critical beliefs or mindsets you need in order to manifest your ideal partner and create the kind of authentic, sweet, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.
The Fourth Mindshift: Men are NOT the bad guys!
If you are serious about ever meeting your life partner, you are going to have to quit with all the man-bashing. Seriously, you are going to have to drop all of it! I know, it’s fun to ‘join in with girls’ when they are ranting that “all men think with their dicks” or “men are arrogant, lazy pigs” or (this was mine for awhile) “All men either want to control me or are looking for a mother”. But resist temptation ladies, because that kind of talk is sure to keep you miserably single.
I think especially if you are fresh from a nasty divorce (and what divorce isn’t at least a little bit nasty?); there is a tendency to categorize all men as the bad guys. Although I understand the justification for jumping on that bandwagon and I have been there myself; this sort of judgment – and yes, it is a judgment – will do far more harm to you and your future relationships than you probably realize.
It’s not just people fresh from divorce who are eager to “bash the other side” either. It seems to be all over the media – the “battle between the sexes”, “men vs. women”, “he said, she said” – it’s everywhere! I was searching Google for good marriage or relationship quotes, but got frustrated because the majority of the quotes portray men as philanderers, slobs, idiots, lazy, or inconsiderate; and they portray women as manipulative, conniving, gold-digging – or if they are married, nags. – Nice.
Here is just a tiny example of what I mean:
- “If women marry men like dad, no wonder mothers cry at weddings.”Quote in the family bathroom in the house I grew up in. (Footnote: My parents are divorced)
- “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” ~ Michel de Montaigne
- “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” ~ Marilyn Monroe
- “Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could.” ~ Abigail Adams
Maybe you are saying to yourself, “this isn’t me – I don’t hate men”. Really? Let’s take a little test. Take a piece of paper and write the first 10 answers that pop into your head:
- Men are _(Write the first 10 answers that pop into your head)_
- Women are _(Write the first 10 answers that pop into your head)_
- Relationships are: _(Write the first 10 answers that pop into your head)_
What’s coming up for you when you answer these questions? It’s ok to be honest – no one is going to see this but you. I’m trying to help you uncover some of your limiting beliefs about men and relationships that are holding you back from meeting your life partner.
Ok. I’ll go first:
When I first got divorced I felt 95% of the ‘why we got divorced’ question was because of him. He was the abuser. He was the liar. He didn’t respect women. At that time I really believed that “All men were controlling jackholes that just wanted to exert their dominance over me and make me feel like I was less than”. And I had plenty of evidence to back up my belief – 26 years of being hurt, disrespected, taken advantage of and disappointed by – MEN. Can you guess what kind of men I attracted with that mindset?
I started reading books. I worked on myself. I practiced forgiveness. I graduated to “Not all men are jackholes, there are some good ones out there, but the good ones are all married or taken”.
Ok – that was a little better, and the men I started attracting for first dates improved…somewhat.
I worked on myself some more – I practiced more forgiveness. I worked on gratitude. I worked on loving and accepting myself. I graduated to the belief that “Ok, not ALL men are jackholes – a lot of them are – but there are some good men out there”.
A major improvement to the types of men I was attracting! Then I got that ‘whack on the side of the head’ realization that there was definitely a correlation between what beliefs I held about men and the type of men that were attracted to me (well duh, right?).
That realization motivated me to work on myself even more until I finally came to the conclusion, “You know, men are really a lot like women…most of them are really good-hearted, honest people just doing the best they can. Sure there are some jerks out there – but you know what? There are some real bitches out there, too. Generally speaking, men are actually pretty wonderful!”
Wow. Can I tell you what a difference that was to my dating life?! Now I was dating wonderful men! Maybe we weren’t exactly a match; but my dating life got a whole lot more pleasurable!
- Take a look at the lists you made and check for accuracy. Really? Are ALL men like that?
- Are these beliefs serving you or keeping you stuck and miserable?
- Can you reach for a slightly more positive belief – the way I did when I ‘graduated’ to increasingly more positive beliefs?
Look. I know you’ve been hurt. I know most likely you have a lot of evidence that makes it “appear” that all men are jerks. But what you really need to understand is you are doing it to yourself! Take responsibility for your own shit. I know it’s a lot easier to blame the jackhole who ‘did this to you’, but allowing yourself to think like that will not make things change for you. Realize that you had some part to play in all of your relationships that went south. Work on forgiveness. Especially work on forgiving yourself. Be grateful for all of your past relationships – I’m certain each one had a lot to teach you about yourself. For me, the most personal growth happened in those first few years after my divorce; and that most likely will be your story too.
Men, or women for that matter, are not the bad guys. We process information and deal with our feelings very differently, but you can find wonderful (and not so wonderful) qualities in both. There are plenty of wonderful men out there – you just have to open your eyes and your heart.
It’s time for you to finally get love RIGHT!
Kelly Ellzey
If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy the previous post in this series: “You Can Only Attract What You Are An Energetic Match To“.
I would love to hear from you! I value your and appreciate your input, please post your comment below.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
GREAT POST Kelly!
Today on Oprah’s LifeClass it was all about forgiveness and then reading your post ties right in.
Dale Anne Potter recently posted..Spring Cleaning Art Sale…
Hehehe.
The test is good
Although, I definitely had some positive words in there when it came to men because they have amazing abilities that I lack in myself, as a woman =)
Jamie recently posted..Choosing the Camera for you!
I love your little test. It’s a good reality check! It’s so easy to blame everyone else when something goes wrong, but you’re right – usually both parties have some shared responsibility.
Nisha recently posted..Personalized Guide To Setting Goals And Staying Motivated
Oooh, I was so guilty as charged for men bashing after my divorce. After some mending, healing and broken heart repair, I realized what I was saying and thinking. It feels awesome to release the pain and obstacles. Thanks, Kelly!
Excellent post. I am not a fan of man-bashing. As a mother of a pretty wonderful son & wife of his really wonderful dad, I’m pretty fond of men. And I want to make sure my three daughters grow up with the right mindset about men.
Marie Leslie recently posted..Are you Ready to be an Entrepreneur?
Excellent post! I will share on G+ since most of the users there are men . Us humans need to learn to stop laying blame and be accountable and responsible for ourselves.
Anita recently posted..Eight Ways to Inspire Yourself and Others
Great article Kelly. It’s so easy to get stuck in the past, so in addition to practicing forgiveness I would say that you have to let go of and get beyond whatever bad stuff happened in your last relationship too. As a survivor of domestic abuse I find that even though I’ve got beyond the “all men are jerks” stage, there’s still that niggly little voice in the back of my head that asks “will he hurt me” about every man I meet.
Helena recently posted..Walking Forward to Let Go of the Past
Helena, in my first marriage I lived in fear every day for 2 years until I fled. It took me quite a while to get over the “all men are jerks” stage – and it cost me 6 years of not being able to get close enough to a man to call him my boyfriend. I think when you’ve had that kind of hurt and trauma in your life you have to work extra hard on forgiveness – especially of yourself. Thank you for commenting.
Here is the article I wrote recognizing domestic abuse and how to find the courage to leave: http://manifestyournextmate.com/it-could-never-happen-to-me
I never thought I was the bad guy.
I was listening to an Israeli “comedian” and he was joking about the difference between men and women divorcees about why they got divorced. When the women were asked, they came up with thousands of reasons including that the man could not put down the toilet seat after use.
When the men were asked, they said “Dunno. She’s an idiot”
Lawrence recently posted..Positive thinking
Lawrence, I’m absolutely not trying to imply that men are the bad guys. I’ve noticed – and it seems like especially divorced people do this – that we tend to categorize a group of people and make judgments about them, especially if we are hurting. Those judgments kill our chances of finding a great partner the next time around.
Thank you for commenting.
Putting blame anywhere except on your own misgivings is incredibly unhealthy. Non one can ever be in a healthy relationship unless they Let Go of all prior issues. Nice article.
Fantastic article once again, Kelly! Not only do some women have this negative attitude about men, but these same women seem to spread it among each other. All one has to do is listen-in on women huddled in a group of 3 or more and inevitably it turns into a male bashing session; a virtual feeding frenzy. Not to say all women engage in this behavior or have a negative attitude towards men; however, it is so common that I can honestly say I hear EVERYDAY when I pick up my daughter from school. Sad but true.
Marrie recently posted..Tech Support for Your First Date
so very true Kelly! I find a DIRECT correlation to my attitudes about life, people, MEN in particular has affected every synergistic thing in my life… Attitudes about men = men I attracted, jobs = jobs I could get, and on and on. It wasn’t until I started taking time for ME, to grow and change, and explore my thoughts and feelings, and let go of those attachments that were holding me down, that I began to attract what I truly desired in life… and it’s a process – that’s for sure. No one person has this practice down. Thanks for the post. Great nuggets to remember.
Lisa Jey Davis recently posted..Take Care of YOU – 5 Things You Can Do For a Better You
I don’t understand how a woman expects to attract a man with this kind of attitude. A woman with this mindset radiates negativity and that’s never attractive. Good article!
Neely
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