This is the fourth in the series, “10 mindshifts you must make so that your next partner is your life partner”. In this series you will learn the 10 critical beliefs or mindsets you need in order to manifest your ideal partner and create the kind of authentic, sweet, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.
The Fourth Mindshift: Men are NOT the bad guys!
If you are serious about ever meeting your life partner, you are going to have to quit with all the man-bashing. Seriously, you are going to have to drop all of it! I know, it’s fun to ‘join in with girls’ when they are ranting that “all men think with their dicks” or “men are arrogant, lazy pigs” or (this was mine for awhile) “All men either want to control me or are looking for a mother”. But resist temptation ladies, because that kind of talk is sure to keep you miserably single.
I think especially if you are fresh from a nasty divorce (and what divorce isn’t at least a little bit nasty?); there is a tendency to categorize all men as the bad guys. Although I understand the justification for jumping on that bandwagon and I have been there myself; this sort of judgment – and yes, it is a judgment – will do far more harm to you and your future relationships than you probably realize.
It’s not just people fresh from divorce who are eager to “bash the other side” either. It seems to be all over the media – the “battle between the sexes”, “men vs. women”, “he said, she said” – it’s everywhere! I was searching Google for good marriage or relationship quotes, but got frustrated because the majority of the quotes portray men as philanderers, slobs, idiots, lazy, or inconsiderate; and they portray women as manipulative, conniving, gold-digging – or if they are married, nags. – Nice.
Here is just a tiny example of what I mean:
- “If women marry men like dad, no wonder mothers cry at weddings.”Quote in the family bathroom in the house I grew up in. (Footnote: My parents are divorced)
- “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” ~ Michel de Montaigne
- “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” ~ Marilyn Monroe
- “Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could.” ~ Abigail Adams
Maybe you are saying to yourself, “this isn’t me – I don’t hate men”. Really? Let’s take a little test. Take a piece of paper and write the first 10 answers that pop into your head:
- Men are _(Write the first 10 answers that pop into your head)_
- Women are _(Write the first 10 answers that pop into your head)_
- Relationships are: _(Write the first 10 answers that pop into your head)_
What’s coming up for you when you answer these questions? It’s ok to be honest – no one is going to see this but you. I’m trying to help you uncover some of your limiting beliefs about men and relationships that are holding you back from meeting your life partner.
Ok. I’ll go first:
When I first got divorced I felt 95% of the ‘why we got divorced’ question was because of him. He was the abuser. He was the liar. He didn’t respect women. At that time I really believed that “All men were controlling jackholes that just wanted to exert their dominance over me and make me feel like I was less than”. And I had plenty of evidence to back up my belief – 26 years of being hurt, disrespected, taken advantage of and disappointed by – MEN. Can you guess what kind of men I attracted with that mindset?
I started reading books. I worked on myself. I practiced forgiveness. I graduated to “Not all men are jackholes, there are some good ones out there, but the good ones are all married or taken”.
Ok – that was a little better, and the men I started attracting for first dates improved…somewhat.
I worked on myself some more – I practiced more forgiveness. I worked on gratitude. I worked on loving and accepting myself. I graduated to the belief that “Ok, not ALL men are jackholes – a lot of them are – but there are some good men out there”.
A major improvement to the types of men I was attracting! Then I got that ‘whack on the side of the head’ realization that there was definitely a correlation between what beliefs I held about men and the type of men that were attracted to me (well duh, right?).
That realization motivated me to work on myself even more until I finally came to the conclusion, “You know, men are really a lot like women…most of them are really good-hearted, honest people just doing the best they can. Sure there are some jerks out there – but you know what? There are some real bitches out there, too. Generally speaking, men are actually pretty wonderful!”
Wow. Can I tell you what a difference that was to my dating life?! Now I was dating wonderful men! Maybe we weren’t exactly a match; but my dating life got a whole lot more pleasurable!
- Take a look at the lists you made and check for accuracy. Really? Are ALL men like that?
- Are these beliefs serving you or keeping you stuck and miserable?
- Can you reach for a slightly more positive belief – the way I did when I ‘graduated’ to increasingly more positive beliefs?
Look. I know you’ve been hurt. I know most likely you have a lot of evidence that makes it “appear” that all men are jerks. But what you really need to understand is you are doing it to yourself! Take responsibility for your own shit. I know it’s a lot easier to blame the jackhole who ‘did this to you’, but allowing yourself to think like that will not make things change for you. Realize that you had some part to play in all of your relationships that went south. Work on forgiveness. Especially work on forgiving yourself. Be grateful for all of your past relationships – I’m certain each one had a lot to teach you about yourself. For me, the most personal growth happened in those first few years after my divorce; and that most likely will be your story too.
Men, or women for that matter, are not the bad guys. We process information and deal with our feelings very differently, but you can find wonderful (and not so wonderful) qualities in both. There are plenty of wonderful men out there – you just have to open your eyes and your heart.
It’s time for you to finally get love RIGHT!
If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy the previous post in this series: “You Can Only Attract What You Are An Energetic Match To“.
I would love to hear from you! I value your and appreciate your input, please post your comment below.