This is the seventh in the series, “10 mindshifts you must make so that your next partner is your life partner”. In this series you will learn the 10 critical beliefs or mindsets you need in order to manifest your ideal partner and create the kind of authentic, sweet, loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.
The Seventh Mindshift: A Relationship is Not Going to Fix You or Solve Your Problems
I’m going to burst your bubble….maybe you better sit down before you read this. Ready? Ok, here goes:
The ‘Happily Ever After’ story is a LIE!
That’s right – the stories they spoon fed us when we were little girls where Prince Charming comes to rescue the princess locked in the tower and then they get married and live happily ever after is a LIE!
I loved all of those princess stories when I was a little girl and often laid awake nights thinking about what it would be like when I met my Prince Charming and we got married. (OK, I will admit I was a bit of a freak kid to fantasize about being married at such a young age; but I’ll bet I’m not the only one!) I think Disney did young girls all over the world a disservice by leading us to believe that a power outside of ourselves – the elusive Prince Charming – was going to save us and that when we grew up and got married, everything was going to magically be ok. The Prince would take care of us.
Ok, ok…before Disney’s lawyers start calling me up I will admit that in the last 25 years or so Disney has had much stronger female characters than the ones I grew up with – Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Snow White. But even though females are taking on stronger roles in the media and in literature; we are still putting a great deal of importance on the “Big Day” (spending tens of thousands of dollars and sinking into debt) and I still feel there is a stigma of being a single female ‘of a certain age’.
If you have ever been divorced like me, I’m sure that some of the air got let out your ‘Happily Ever After balloon’, but I have talked with many divorced women who still seem to think that ‘when they get remarried, everything will be righted in their life again’. I would like to bust the ‘Happily Ever After’ myth right here and now:
5 Myths of Happily Ever After
1. We are raised to think that when we finally get married our lives will be completely wonderful.
Guess what? When you finally do meet your life partner and get married everything else in your life is not going to instantly get better! I know…that’s not what they told us as little girls growing up – your purpose was to find the right man and THEN you would be happy and everything would just fall into place. But Life isn’t really like that. There is a Happily Ever After, but it’s disguised under mortgage payments, job loss, 2 am fights over some stupid miscommunication, unexpected hospital visits, sleepless nights with a sick child – in other words, it looks a lot like LIFE; with all of its ups and downs and twists and turns.
2. We think a man is going to save us from our miserable life.
Everything that was bad in your life before you met your life partner will still be there after. If you are not getting the respect you deserve at work, that’s not likely to change. If you were a financial or emotional mess when you were single, it’s highly likely you will attract someone who also has a lot of baggage in their life to deal with as well.
Let’s face it; Prince Charming is not coming to rescue you. In fact, if you need rescuing you are more likely to attract an ogre rather than a prince. (Oh wait – there was that one story…)
3. We think a man will complete us.
I think we all teared up watching the scene from ‘Jerry Maguire’ when Tom Cruise looks at Renee Zellweger with tears in his eyes and says – in front of a room full of bitter and hostile women - “You… complete me”. Ahhh Hollywood! Very romantic – but not a very realistic picture of the way Life works.
You can only attract what you are an energetic match to. This means that if your emotional life is a mess than guess what you will attract? Someone else who is also a mess. And when the two of you get together, instead of making each other whole and complete, you make a big pile of poo! Thinking back to Jerry Maguire, I guess that was a pretty realistic representation of Life; they were both kind of a mess.
4. We think when we meet our Prince Charming, he’s going to be perfect and fulfill all of our needs.
Ahhh the elusive perfect man…he has no flaws. He can magically read our minds and knows exactly what we want at any given moment. He fulfills all of our needs: lover, provider, girlfriend, handyman, tech consultant, father, therapist, etc. etc. Ladies, I hate to break it to you…but there is no perfect man – just the perfect man for you.
Holding out for the ‘perfect man’ is just an excuse to hold onto your fears and stay single. No man is going to be absolutely perfect and contain every single one of the qualities on your wish list. I am in no way suggesting you settle, but I am suggesting you pick the top 10 qualities you must have in a partner as we well as make a list of the top 10 deal breakers and stick to just that.
A personal example: I love to go dancing. I love to go to parties and be among large crowds. My honey hates to do either. So when we were first dating should I have tossed him aside? Had I done so I would have missed out on years and years of fulfillment. There are so many truly amazing qualities about him and all of our core values match; I feel like I’m one of the luckiest women alive. Obviously going dancing is not one of my core values.
5. We think when we finally do meet Mr. Right and get married – then we will be happy.
If you weren’t a very happy person before the marriage, your man will not make you happy – he can’t, only you can do that. Being happy is an inside job. It’s a decision you make every morning when you get up. Get rid of the idea of “I’ll be happy when” and decide to be happy now.
Although I will say that when you make the decision to be happy no matter what is going on around you, you become a far more attractive person and the odds of you meeting your Mr. Right sooner go way up.
Happily Ever After exists, but only if you are willing to:
- Be an active, co-participant with life. Accept responsibility for your own happiness instead of blaming your partner.
- Accept that men are flawed. Scratch that – accept that humans are flawed. No one is perfect – you are not perfect. If you are expecting your mate to be perfect all the time and never make any mistakes you are setting yourself up for big disappointment.
- Accept that life is not perfect. Just because you are in love does not mean you get a “get out of jail free card” from learning your life lessons. Life happens – sometimes you don’t get the deal, or things don’t work out the way you planned, or Life throws you a Big Whammy from out of the blue; but that is not your mate’s fault.
Go make your own ‘Happily Ever After’ and your future mate will come join you!
It’s time for you to finally get love RIGHT!
Kelly Ellzey
If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy the previous post in this series: “Deal With It Or Repeat It“.
I would love to hear from you! I value your and appreciate your input, please post your comment below.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
This is such a great article Kelly, thank you. People who think that happiness is going to magically appear when their mate comes along make me sad. Truly you have to be happy with yourself before you can ever hope to be in a fulfilling relationship. And I am happy to say that Disney must be doing something right because my daughter is definitely not feeling the urge to find any Prince Charming. In fact, she thinks the Ken doll is “weird.” I’m still not a big fan of the “princess” stereotype that Disney promotes however . . .
Jennifer recently posted..5 Tools to Focus Your Business and Double Your Profits
GREAT post Kelly and gives a person much to think about!
Dale Anne Potter recently posted..Re-Inventing
and another important point: expect that you may not always agree on everything nor get along
But being an adult and handling the situations that arise head on is the key
GREAT article Kelly!
Jamie recently posted..The Story of How I met my MAN!
Brilliant article Kelly! This should be required reading for every woman even considering a relationship. There’s no way that you can go into a relationship and expect a good outcome if you’re not happy with yourself before you start.
Helena recently posted..Five Ways Being More Assertive Helps Build Your Self-Confidence
We do have to have an excellent relationship with ourselves before we can have one with others
Great post!
Anita recently posted..Letting Go of Attention Seeking Behavior
I think the key to coming even close to that happily-ever-after state is that both partners have to be equally committed to pursuing that happy life. When the going gets rough, if one half isn’t pulling their weight, the whole wagon will get stuck in the mud. Cooperation, patience, sharing, honesty–it’s all of those values we’re taught in kindergarden that if we don’t maintain them in our relationships, we’ll be forever looking for the perfect life that we’ll never find.
Daniel Wheaton recently posted..Mobile Technology Protecting Children
Here Here! You said that so fantastically! Great post and one that a lot of women need to hear.
There are a couple perks to still be single and never married in my early 30′s and one of them is that it has given me a chance to recognize this long before I entered into a marriage as a solution to anything. I am ridiculously proud of myself for realizing that a romantic relationship is NOT the solution to any unhappiness in my life or with myself…I am. I know that realization and the work I’ve done to make sure I am happy with areas of my life I was not content with prior have made me a better woman. My hope now is that when the right man comes along he’ll appreciate that I’m not one of the women looking for a quick fix.
According to Jewels recently posted..They are up in arms!
Man this post is BRILLIANT! I don’t get why women think that having a man in their life is going to solve all their problems or that they need one to continue living. I know a good many women that need to read this post and learn something from it.
Well James, I do have to sheepishly admit that this was a belief I had to change after my disastrous first marriage. It does seem very obvious but I know a lot of women who still hang onto this belief – even after divorce – which is why I posted it. Thank you so much for commenting.
This is all so well stated. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women believe that a relationship will save them. That a man will validate them or rescue them. I used to think that. But I now know you have to rescue and love yourself first.
Neely
neelysteinberg.com
Neely Steinberg recently posted..Amherst College
I know right?! I’m guilty myself. But we really do have to get over that belief and take responsibility for our own lives.
I thinkj it’s a matter of choosing wisely. Something like 40% of women walk down the aisle knowing they are making a mistake. Going in to marriage like that of course it’s going to fail.
I was raised in the generation of which you speak and while we were told stories of prince charming we were also told to be career women which is contradictory to our Pince Charming fantasy. You might do well readin my novel which is all about this subject.
If roughly 40% of the women getting married are walking down the aisle “knowing” they are making a mistake, aren’t you supporting what I’m saying in the article? Why else would a woman walk down the aisle if she ‘knew’ it was going to end up in divorce? I think the reason a woman would do that is because she is hoping that once she is married everything will work out. Since she got a man to commit to her he will also commit to making her happy. She is assuming he will try to be the man she needs him to be. Also, I think she is also very anxious to lose her ‘single status’ and get on with married life.
Since you didn’t mention the name of your book, I took the liberty of going to your site and getting the link. I love the title, ‘Blow Me’ – it sounds like a great book! http://www.lennieross.com/
This is GREAT. I love this post, Kelly! Could we print it out and make it a hallmark card? Disney, rom coms… 80′s movies! Argh.
Yeah that would make a good Hallmark card wouldn’t it?! “Happily Ever After is a LIE! LOL!!! Thanks Chiara!
Kelly recently posted..A Relationship is Not Going to Fix You
This is so true Kelly. Women tend to do it the most I think. You will never be while in a relationship until you are while alone. Very nice post!
Barbara Peters recently posted..Keeping passion alive in your marriage
I do think women do this much more than men – which is why I skewed this post much more towards women. I think women in general are too willing to give up their power in the quest of finding and keeping their man.
Thanks Marrie! Unfortunately, I think a lot of women fall into this trap of believing that Happily Ever After starts when you say ‘I Do’. Happily Ever After starts when you wake up in the morning and DECIDE it’s going to be a good day.
Kelly recently posted..A Relationship is Not Going to Fix You
Kelly you are amazing! “you complete me” is one of the biggest BS lines in the history of cinema! Kuddos to you for cutting through the fantasy myth and telling it like it is! The only way a relationship can survive the long haul is for two complete individuals to come together.
Marrie recently posted..Craigslist: Notable Posts for Your Personal Amusement